Our baby Lily is at peace

Dear family and friends,

After sending our email yesterday, we went to Vespers as we normally do on Saturdays, which this Saturday was followed by a meal at the church. We arrived home close to 9:00 p.m., watched some of the Olympics, and the kids were ready for bed when Rebecca's water broke at 9:50 p.m. We had been concerned that her size might cause her to bleed when her water broke, but everything was normal.

When we arrived at the hospital, she was dilated 2 cm with regular contractions. We had the baby heart monitor attached so we could hear Lily's heartbeat. Her heart rate was low and slowly decreasing. Close to midnight, we were moved to a different room away from the other deliveries so that we wouldn't hear babies crying, and when the heart monitor was attached again, it could only pick up Rebecca's heartbeat. A portable ultrasound was brought in which confirmed that Lily's heart was not beating. We don't know the exact time of death, but we think it was just after midnight, Sunday, February 21st. The doctor and nurse left us so that we could grieve together, and we called our parents and some close friends.

My wonderful Rebecca now had to finish labour in the knowledge that the joy of holding Lily alive was gone. Her labour progressed much like her past ones have, and at 1:57 a.m., Lily Emke was born. We were not blessed to hear her cry but we cried for her and with her. She weighs 4 lbs., 2 ou. (1880 grams) and is 50 cm (almost 20 in.) long. She is beautiful. I was able to bath her and blessed all the parts of her body with the holy water we had hoped to baptize her with. A photographer came, and a nurse followed to take foot and hand molds that will be set in plaster. At 7:30, after a couple hours of sleep, I left for home so that I could tell the kids, and Rebecca has hopefully been able to have her first real sleep. She is physically doing well. When I arrived home, only Nico was awake, with Emmie. The other kids awoke at around 8:30, and I was able to tell them at around the same time the sad news and prepare them for their visit with Lily.

After Lily was born, we called our parents. My dad was about to leave for the airport for an overnight flight to Ottawa and is due to arrive at 9:20 a.m. Rebecca's parents are flying in at 2:00 p.m. Emmie, the kids, and I will pick up my dad from the airport and then go to the hospital to see Rebecca and Lily. As I write this email, our son Auke is playing Brahm's Lullaby on the piano. It is a piece he played once before right after one of our difficult conversations about Lily. May God help our children find their way to grieve.

We can often struggle to understand why things happen when they do. In one sense, we had hoped that Lily would be born March 1st: there were many reasons it made practical sense for us and it would have given us more time with her. We have a real peace, however, that this was truly Lily's time. It was important for us, especially Harold, to send the email we did yesterday; our friend completed the burial gown for Lily yesterday and gave it to us at Vespers; after Vespers, we picked up our mail, and a blanket that Rebecca's mom had made had arrived; yesterday, we picked up the last materials we need for the boys to make their lily mosaic and visited a cemetery where we may bury Lily; yesterday at Vespers, we were given the last text we needed for Lily's funeral service: God knew what we needed to have arranged before Lily arrived.

It our time of grief, we are also thinking of Stefan and his family. Soon after Lily was born, both of us, at the same time, had an image of Stefan holding Lily in heaven. May God bless them both in His presence.